Oh, hell.

*peeks around a corner*

So, my thing posted at A Practical Wedding, and that likely means that this little corner of virtual space will have some more flashlights than usual shining on it.  This is me, not freaking out about that, you know at all!  (hi?  uh, hi.  um.)

So naturally, my first inclination is to go surfing around Modcloth, planning my purchases for Autumn, and daydreaming of thrifting for tweed blazers (WITH ELBOW PATCHES) with Ginny, and perusing Etsy for sources of thigh-high knit wool stockings?  No one is surprised.

I’m sure that this behavior falls on some portion of the Quirky, Yet Endearing! spectrum.  Sure.  Let’s go with that.   I’m still reeling a little from the focus on self-harm and suicide and feelings, so between that and seeing Tomthulhu off to his adventure at GenCon I’m like buh, why is it not yet late September, whereupon I will crunch fall leaves with my feet and be a maple bough princess forever snacking on pumpkin seeds coated in curry powder, where is my hot cider I am going to my room!  

All that aside, it’s been a surreal few days.  It’s strange, but happy, that people have crept out of the woodwork to take a moment to offer me things like support, care, and warmth.  Many of them were people I didn’t expect, and the surprise has been pleasant.  

Life sort of imploded, back in June.  My main supports bore me up, and didn’t let the sh*tstorm mudslide carry me too far from myself; but I did (and still do) expect some fallout after what was honestly, a pretty catastrophic social blow out.  As it stands, I know I make an unwise target for the sort of character assassination the relevant parties are wont to perpetrate.  But as the days tick by, it still feels like only a matter of time before I have to batten down and resist the inevitable hoovering.

It got me thinking about letting people go.  I tend to think about social circles in terms of bandwidth.  I have bandwidth available for about eighty people, give or take, assuming that those eighty people have a well-established bell-curve of communicative and emotional needs. For such a fuzzy-wuzzy, it can sound a bit heartless, but I just don’t have any qualms about jettisoning people whose behavior I find exhausting or objectionable?  That is phrased as a question because I’m trying hard not to apologize for it.  And this is doubly true for people who demonstrate that their impulses have at least the capacity to turn ugly, abusive, or exploitative.  Hence: June.  I truly do not have time for that ish, yo.  

I have often wondered if the flip side to my ability to care-take is a ruthlessness regarding how I curate my social life.  As my thirties tick by, my threshold for things like hypocrisy, rudeness, self-importance, persecution complexes, urges to dominate or control, drops dramatically; meanwhile, my gratitude for excellent human beings skyrockets.  So, excellent humans: Thank you.  You mean the world.  ❤

Oh, hell.

5 thoughts on “Oh, hell.

  1. Man, I was sliding into a funk for various non-novel reasons, and then the phrase “thrifting for tweed blazers (WITH ELBOW PATCHES)” came along and zipped me right out again. Yes thrifting! Yes autumn! Yes your kickass article going up! Yes excellent humans!

  2. Hey Rabbit, it’s Grace from England from APW. I had this strange feeling after reading your post that I might totally get you as a person (this feeling comes infrequently), so I thought I’d come and read your blog and find out. “I tend to think of social circles in terms of bandwidth” confirmed my suspicion.

    I’ll just be over here in the corner binge-reading the rest of your blog 😉

    1. Hey there, Grace. Welcome to the party! There ain’t no party like an introvert nerd party because an introvert nerd party involves a lot of READING. 😀

      Truly, glad you’re here. Chime in any time. You’re always welcome.

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