T’s move is complete (mostly). We have some unpacking to do, and some books to retrieve from his Mum’s, as they are from the Folio Society, and I desire to have them in our home such that I may fondle them like a creep. We have some art to frame and hang, and I am looking forward to it living on our walls. I have some plants to re-pot (my thai basil is thriving, and Amy has some pineapple mint for me to replace my dead oregano). Last week was so stressful for both of us, but we weathered it pretty well. I’m happy that home is where he is, and that we start and end our days together, even when we’re both off busy doing our own thing in between. He’ll likely be getting some answers from his scholastic institution today about classes and benefits and such, and life will march forward, like it does. With Sam visiting this weekend, there’s a lot of happiness happening this week. And secretly, I love unpacking. I hate packing forever, don’t make me do it. But putting things where they belong (unless it is dishes because dishes are the absolute devil) does weird chemical things to my nesty brainparts. Don’t judge. We are all different.
Also on for this week:
- TRIP TO THE LIBRARY F*CK YES – T has recommended Storm Front. I’m only allowed to get one book this week, because I have prep work to do for our Jade Regent campaign.
- Cleaning out my Saab, and prepping it for sale. I cannot wait to find all my clothes and make-up in the trunk. Probably also several wigs, let’s be honest.
- Trip to Old Navy — I need a bathing suit and a pretty dress. I get to have both, because I’ve been a good girl. GOOD GIRLS GET FRINGE BATHING SUITS PERHAPS YOU HAVE HEARD THIS.
- Preparations for Jade Regent. My players want to go to the abandoned shack of a dead witch. Everyone makes choices, I guess? I hope not to res’ anyone.
- Pay day! WOooooo! (plus bill paying, eh what can you do.)
- Happy Hour on Thursday!
- Trip to the DMV (augh).
- Beach trip shopping. Snacks! Solo Cups! Illicit Booze!
I’ve been doing a pretty bang-up job of adjusting to a sometimes much smaller-feeling social circle, though there have been days (especially tough days last week) where I felt strangely isolated. I am actively resisting the urge to sometimes Not Shut Up About My Feelings, because I don’t want the people around me to feel depleted or exhausted. Honestly, what I should do is write a comprehensive account of what transpired, take my lessons from that, and go read The Mastery of Love and move the f*ck on already. No one is interested in my whining about life lessons, probably least of all, me.
I think one of the deepest wounds I’m trying so patiently to close is that I invested so (so) much in these people who really had nothing of equal value to offer me in return. While I don’t tend to think of relationships of choice as exchange-driven, I do think that reciprocity is a virtue worthy of our pursuit. I was pushed to assimilate into a family unit that, underneath its “healthy, open, honest, communicative” exterior, is deeply flawed, coercive, maladaptive, and dysfunctional in a pretty unexamined and dangerous way. I was not truly seen by this group of people, which is why when I pushed back with my own preferences and needs they reacted with such shock, offense, and false concern. Gradually, it is all coming to make sense, and the narrative is becoming more holistic and cohesive, but I do often feel that I’m piecing it all together in something of a vacuum.
I reconnected with some unlikely parties (hi guys), in a tentative and cautious way, and maintain a hope for maybe some drinks and pleasant conversations later this summer or early autumn as the clouds continue to part. I’m doing a lot of background-level processing about everything that has transpired in the last two or three months, and given how much I resist change… I’m doing pretty well?
I feel sort of validated in a way I didn’t before, because I spent all this time berating myself for being fooled by two people and their immediate social circles. The amount of advantage taken of me is a little mind boggling. After sharing some of what happened and listening a bit more to others, I realize that a lot of people are similarly tricked or fooled by charismatic individuals, and doubly so when they are encouraged to feel necessary, loved, or special.
So, now, instead of dwelling on it, I do research about fruit-bearing trees that can live in apartments (fig! keiffer lime!) and surf zillow postings in Kingsessing and SW Cedar Park and Cobbs Creek, daydreaming of something bright and sunny with a big kitchen and a front porch. Once you’ve found your home, the house can be anything you want it seems. As I settle in to the idea of changing my career, writing my book, moving to my city… it feels less like starting over and more like correcting my course. I just needed to find true North. My bearings were right there, the whole time.