How Much a Heart Can Hold

If playfulness and pretend are my sunlight, then quiet is my rainfall.  When I have an abundance of each, I am most fully and happily myself.  My reflection is clearer, my eyes keener, and my heart kinder.  I don’t know if this is idiosyncratic to me individually, to persons of my personality type, or simply a requirement that most people have to varying degrees.  

Life has been far quieter lately than it has been.  I’m more focused, and strangely, more creative. On my walk to work in the early, balmy hours of this morning, I could not stop smiling for the love of a blooming lilac, fresh raspberries from my neighbors’ bramble, a freshly made iced ginger tea, and a devious text message from the man I love.  I’ve danced more in the last week than I have in months.  I’m reading again, and have ideas for a new character for a stealth-based campaign a close friend will be running.  When the tides of chaos recede in my life, gratitude and creativity rush in to lap at the shore like smitten puppies.    

Factually speaking, much of my time is spent alone and quiet.  For the next month, I will continue to live alone.  My job is quite solitary.  I walk to and from work and home for lunch every day, rather than spend it in the office with my co-workers.  I work out by myself, and spend a lot of my free time reading, dancing, and writing alone.  Recent tumult had me sleeping poorly.  Nightmares had returned to being nightly occurrences.  I often woke with a vague sense of having been buried alive or chased past my endurance, hurt by unseen hands.  Now, even as the heat of summer climbs, I’ve slept solidly, completely, and the happy and creative dreams I value have returned to me.  I want to roll how I’m feeling around in my mouth like an ice cube on a hot day.

As the solstice approaches, it seems a worthy enterprise to make my words here be more for myself.  Since that date also marks my anniversary with Tomthulhu, and we begin the preparations for our lives to merge another degree or two, I want to spend time writing and thinking about what is wonderful in my life.  The solstice marks a time of abundance.  At the height of summer, what once remained hidden reveals itself, and what was waiting to bear fruit often blossoms.  I am filled with the anticipation of good things, gratitude for what I possess, and a renewed sense of self-knowledge. It seems like as fine a place to begin as any. 

So, then: to new beginnings, fireworks, roller coasters, and sweat-soaked kisses stolen in the sunshine. To lemonade, sudden thunderstorms, and early morning trips to the beach.  To painted toenails peeking through sandals, sunburns, and mosquito bites.  To fizzy drinks and crazy straws, moving boxes, outdoor movies, and long walks at night.  

How Much a Heart Can Hold

2 thoughts on “How Much a Heart Can Hold

    1. It’s funny, because INFJ’s often mask as other types. But we can absolutely pick each other out of a crowd based on about a paragraph’s worth of interaction. I was pretty sure about you, too.

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